So, I had a nightmare last night….I won’t go into the details except to say that it was horrible and in it my worst fears came true. The fear of it lingers with me today even though I know (and knew even as I was dreaming) that Aiden was okay. I could hear him breathing beside me as I was dreaming but the fear remains. It is always there now…under the surface…in the back of my mind. Maybe it has been there since last year or always but it was easier then to push it away, to ignore it. Now I can always feel it and I’m not sure what to do with it; How to make it go away; how to defeat it? Biblically and realistically I know that fear is not of God and I should give it no place in my mind, my heart, our lives…but how? Especially when I feel that I am so distant from Him right now. I don’t know how or what to pray for anymore? I don’t understand the why’s or how’s. I know it’s cliche’ but it’s just not fair. Not to Aiden. He doesn’t deserve this. Why can’t I take it away and make it better for him? Isn’t that what Mama is for? Someone once told me that when you can’t pray, when you don’t know how and when you are angry that it’s okay. God understands. They said that it is then that others stand in the gap and pray for you, and you just trust that God knows your heart. I hope they are right. I am holding on to that right now.
Nightmares… December 16, 2008